Mulligan: a free shot sometimes given a golfer in informal play when the previous shot was poorly played
I am ordinarily a very positive person. I'm the one that, when my friends tell me their stories, I always can make them feel better by pointing out that it's not that bad, at least they have x, y, and z going for them. Generally, I can find something positive in a craptacular situation.
And then there was the month of May.
So far this month, I've had three major fights with people I love, my washing machine broke, we got a flat tire (on the way home from the Laundromat) and the tow truck didn't show, ants have become permanent residents in my house, and our dishwasher broke. I'm pretty sure that my rooting for the Cavs played a part in their untimely loss in the playoffs (sorry, Cavs fans). Work has been "interesting." And we still have 10 more days to go. I told a friend yesterday that my new "at least" statement was going to be, "At least it isn't like May 2010."
I don't know if there is a precedent for it, but I've decided to take a full-blown mulligan for the entire month of May. On June 1, I'm waking up and shaking it all off. Here's to hoping that June goes better than this tumultuous month. I'm pretty sure that it has to.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Underestimating "The Sensitivity Factor"
Sometimes, it's hard to know when you've gone too far. This is especially true for me, as my biggest (and certainly self-recognized) flaw is a lack of sensitivity. I've been working on this for literally years, but unfortunately, sensitivity doesn't operate using an on/off switch. It is spectral in nature, and while I may no longer be sitting at the very end of the spectrum, I am certainly still much closer to the end where I'd rather not be.
I recently posted something that was very offensive to someone I care about very much...like a sister. While I intended the subject to be thought-provoking and to provide a different perspective, I crossed a line. I didn't intend to do so, by any means, and was honest to God very surprised by the reaction it solicited.
Then I remembered the whole sensitivity challenge that I have, and it all came together.
The Golden Rule is a very powerful statement. The problem that I have is that, while I consider the thoughts/feelings of others before I act, I am literally doing unto others as I would have done to me, and with an inherent lack of sensitivity, this sets the bar for me at an inappropriate level. Just because I wouldn't be hurt by something if the tables were turned doesn't mean that someone else that is on another, more centrist position on the sensitivity spectrum would not be.
I'll continue to work on this unattractive personality trait, probably for the rest of my life. As an (albeit late) step in the right direction, you will notice that the two passionate posts I have written thus far are no longer available on this blog. I may never be able to reach my goal of being a centrist on sensitivity, but I most certainly won't come even close if I don't begin to walk in that direction in the first place. It's going to be a long journey for me, and I hope you all will be patient with me as I travel.
But in the meantime, I'll simply say this: I'm sorry, Kate.
I recently posted something that was very offensive to someone I care about very much...like a sister. While I intended the subject to be thought-provoking and to provide a different perspective, I crossed a line. I didn't intend to do so, by any means, and was honest to God very surprised by the reaction it solicited.
Then I remembered the whole sensitivity challenge that I have, and it all came together.
The Golden Rule is a very powerful statement. The problem that I have is that, while I consider the thoughts/feelings of others before I act, I am literally doing unto others as I would have done to me, and with an inherent lack of sensitivity, this sets the bar for me at an inappropriate level. Just because I wouldn't be hurt by something if the tables were turned doesn't mean that someone else that is on another, more centrist position on the sensitivity spectrum would not be.
I'll continue to work on this unattractive personality trait, probably for the rest of my life. As an (albeit late) step in the right direction, you will notice that the two passionate posts I have written thus far are no longer available on this blog. I may never be able to reach my goal of being a centrist on sensitivity, but I most certainly won't come even close if I don't begin to walk in that direction in the first place. It's going to be a long journey for me, and I hope you all will be patient with me as I travel.
But in the meantime, I'll simply say this: I'm sorry, Kate.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Hanging it up :(
Through a tumultuous day, I have come to the conclusion that my blogging days are over. It's just not worth it. Having opinions is marginally okay, but sharing them isn't. I had temporarily forgotten that most people are much more sensitive than I am, and THAT was a lesson that I already had filed in my internal "things I've learned" catalog. Guess that catalog needs re-indexing or something.
But as a last thought, I'm going to summarize my last two posts and explain why expressing my opinions just isn't worth it to me anymore.
I'm neither a Republican nor a Democrat (yes, I'm registered as one of those, but I don't identify with either group). I'd like to start my own party - I'd call it the Newfangled Idealist party. Essentially, it would have only two tenets:
1. Don't take other people's stuff, and don't be so excessive about what you have that other people feel like it's okay to take your stuff. There's a lot of room in between those two extremes. To be a member of my Newfangled Idealist party, you have to just be somewhere in the middle.
2. If you break tenet #1, expect the rest of the party to call you on it. You are accountable for your choices. If you believe you are right in what you've done, then you should be okay with this. If not, then it doesn't hurt to make you aware that people have noticed that you broke rule #1.
That's it, really.
Today has taught me that people don't really want to join my party. The world is a "nicer" place so long as we all sit back and keep silent. I think I'm in the position where I have to concede that maybe I have overrated sincerity as a more noteworthy attribute than sensitivity.
Everyone who knows me knows that I don't lie. Truthfully, I think it would be exhausting to keep up with the story that I told and to back-pedal when I'm caught in it. I therefore chose long ago just not to do it, to just live my life being who I am. Sometimes this makes me come across as a complete ass. I can live with that, but I have found out that not everyone can. Perhaps my biggest flaw is that I have severely overestimated the merit of being an honest human being.
But as a last thought, I'm going to summarize my last two posts and explain why expressing my opinions just isn't worth it to me anymore.
I'm neither a Republican nor a Democrat (yes, I'm registered as one of those, but I don't identify with either group). I'd like to start my own party - I'd call it the Newfangled Idealist party. Essentially, it would have only two tenets:
1. Don't take other people's stuff, and don't be so excessive about what you have that other people feel like it's okay to take your stuff. There's a lot of room in between those two extremes. To be a member of my Newfangled Idealist party, you have to just be somewhere in the middle.
2. If you break tenet #1, expect the rest of the party to call you on it. You are accountable for your choices. If you believe you are right in what you've done, then you should be okay with this. If not, then it doesn't hurt to make you aware that people have noticed that you broke rule #1.
That's it, really.
Today has taught me that people don't really want to join my party. The world is a "nicer" place so long as we all sit back and keep silent. I think I'm in the position where I have to concede that maybe I have overrated sincerity as a more noteworthy attribute than sensitivity.
Everyone who knows me knows that I don't lie. Truthfully, I think it would be exhausting to keep up with the story that I told and to back-pedal when I'm caught in it. I therefore chose long ago just not to do it, to just live my life being who I am. Sometimes this makes me come across as a complete ass. I can live with that, but I have found out that not everyone can. Perhaps my biggest flaw is that I have severely overestimated the merit of being an honest human being.
Because I don't want to turn my blog into quick blurbs about my day-to-day life (not that there's anything wrong with that, but that's why I'm on Facebook), I'm going to call it quits. So even though I have many more things that I feel passionate about, you'll never hear them. Sorry, folks. You'll just have to live with my one-liners about Lindsay Lohan suing for $100M dollars because she likes milk.
Thanks to all who shared this valuable lesson with me today. We'll all be happier if I say nothing and let the world happen around me, for better or for worse...well, all but one of us. :(
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Some things I've learned...
Welcome to my very first posting!! I decided to start a blog for a lot of reasons, but mainly because I thought it would be a good way to let people get to know the "real" me. Not the coworker, not the mom, but the actual person. My hope is that these writings will be an interesting read for people because I intend to cover topics all over the map. I want to talk about social issues (those are my favorite), political issues, personal issues...the works!...because ALL of these things make up who I am. I hope that some topics spur a lot of discussion, both in support and against, because I love to hear others' opinions on things that I really care about.
Deciding what to write about first has been difficult. I finally landed on blogging about a few things that I've learned along the way. Some are uplifting, some are probably downright depressing, but all of them form who I am as of this moment in time, and that's the whole point, right? Anyway, these aren't necessarily in order of priority...just the order that they occurred to me tonight.
1. Cherish your family
I'm not the best at remembering the little things, like sending birthday cards (in fact, I might actually be the worst...just ask my nieces!), but I truly love my family, and I would do anything for them in a heartbeat. I'm not under the delusion that everyone has a family as supportive as mine, but each of us has gotten something worthwhile from our relationships with our families. Even if you have a "horrible" family, at the very least, you can use them as an example of who you don't want to be. I can imagine that could actually be a very interesting use for people who haven't given you anything else. In any case, a family is something that should be cherished because they have made you who you are. And in my case, I cherish them because they are downright fabulous. :)
2. Choose your friends wisely
Not that long ago, a "friend" of mine decided I was the reason for all of her problems and made an "interesting" (to be read..."appalling") choice to tell everyone she knew how horrible I was. While it took some time to convince people that I wasn't Evil Incarnate, the MUCH more upsetting part was that my "friend" had chosen to stab me in the back. As I write this, I realize that the knife still hurts a little. Upon reflection, though, I believe that I could have seen this coming. Back then, I chose to only see the good in people, but the truth is, there is good AND bad in all of us. Real friends can help you work through the bad and emphasize the good. Fake friends will do the opposite. I have learned to be more aware of this possibility, so when a second "friend" tried to derail my career, I actually saw it coming. I have learned to be much more careful about who I call a friend.
3. You always have a choice
No matter what the situation, you ALWAYS have a choice. Always. The options might all be crappy, but there are always options. When things seem hopeless and you feel stuck, sometimes it helps to remember that you have the choice to walk away. It actually helps to remind me of why I don't actually WANT to walk away. Seems a little paradoxical, but it's totally true.
4. You are responsible for your own happiness
A lot of things can happen in life that have the potential to make us miserable. I have a child with autism. It can make life difficult, to say the least, but when I focus on the things I love about him (which are way too numerous to even begin to list), I find a profound amount of happiness in just knowing him. You choose to be an optimist or a pessimist. A friend once gave me the quote, "A pessimist sees the difficulties in opportunities; an optimist sees the opportunities in difficulties." I choose to look for the opportunities...
5. You aren't entitled to anything besides your inalienable rights
I intend to write my very next blog on this very topic, so I will limit myself to just this for now: if more people believed that you truly are not entitled to money, a house, a car, etc., this world would be a much better place. I think our founding fathers had it just right...life, liberty, and the PURSUIT of happiness. More on this next time...
There are so many more things I have learned over the years, but I feel like five is a nice start. I'd love to hear any additional words of wisdom that you have picked up over time, or if you totally disagree with my ideas, I would like to know that, too.
Next topic: Entitlement
Deciding what to write about first has been difficult. I finally landed on blogging about a few things that I've learned along the way. Some are uplifting, some are probably downright depressing, but all of them form who I am as of this moment in time, and that's the whole point, right? Anyway, these aren't necessarily in order of priority...just the order that they occurred to me tonight.
1. Cherish your family
I'm not the best at remembering the little things, like sending birthday cards (in fact, I might actually be the worst...just ask my nieces!), but I truly love my family, and I would do anything for them in a heartbeat. I'm not under the delusion that everyone has a family as supportive as mine, but each of us has gotten something worthwhile from our relationships with our families. Even if you have a "horrible" family, at the very least, you can use them as an example of who you don't want to be. I can imagine that could actually be a very interesting use for people who haven't given you anything else. In any case, a family is something that should be cherished because they have made you who you are. And in my case, I cherish them because they are downright fabulous. :)
2. Choose your friends wisely
Not that long ago, a "friend" of mine decided I was the reason for all of her problems and made an "interesting" (to be read..."appalling") choice to tell everyone she knew how horrible I was. While it took some time to convince people that I wasn't Evil Incarnate, the MUCH more upsetting part was that my "friend" had chosen to stab me in the back. As I write this, I realize that the knife still hurts a little. Upon reflection, though, I believe that I could have seen this coming. Back then, I chose to only see the good in people, but the truth is, there is good AND bad in all of us. Real friends can help you work through the bad and emphasize the good. Fake friends will do the opposite. I have learned to be more aware of this possibility, so when a second "friend" tried to derail my career, I actually saw it coming. I have learned to be much more careful about who I call a friend.
3. You always have a choice
No matter what the situation, you ALWAYS have a choice. Always. The options might all be crappy, but there are always options. When things seem hopeless and you feel stuck, sometimes it helps to remember that you have the choice to walk away. It actually helps to remind me of why I don't actually WANT to walk away. Seems a little paradoxical, but it's totally true.
4. You are responsible for your own happiness
A lot of things can happen in life that have the potential to make us miserable. I have a child with autism. It can make life difficult, to say the least, but when I focus on the things I love about him (which are way too numerous to even begin to list), I find a profound amount of happiness in just knowing him. You choose to be an optimist or a pessimist. A friend once gave me the quote, "A pessimist sees the difficulties in opportunities; an optimist sees the opportunities in difficulties." I choose to look for the opportunities...
5. You aren't entitled to anything besides your inalienable rights
I intend to write my very next blog on this very topic, so I will limit myself to just this for now: if more people believed that you truly are not entitled to money, a house, a car, etc., this world would be a much better place. I think our founding fathers had it just right...life, liberty, and the PURSUIT of happiness. More on this next time...
There are so many more things I have learned over the years, but I feel like five is a nice start. I'd love to hear any additional words of wisdom that you have picked up over time, or if you totally disagree with my ideas, I would like to know that, too.
Next topic: Entitlement
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