I remember a time when I used to be so annoyed at those people in the grocery store who just could not seem to control their kids. I mean, how hard could it be to get your kid to stop screaming because he isn't allowed to get candy?! Man, that is one spoiled kid, and that is one lazy mom. If she'd have put just a little work into it, she could at least get the kid to stop screaming. Wait...now the kid - must be 7 or 8 years old - has thrown himself on the floor and having a full blown tantrum. What the hell, lady?!?! Control your kid!!
To every parent that I gave that look of "you are the worst parent ever," I am truly and deeply sorry.
You see, those times are long gone, mostly because now I'M the lady with the kid kicking and screaming in the middle of the store. I'M the lady trying to hold back my tears (often unsuccessfully) as my autistic child has a meltdown because I just had to run into the store to grab something for dinner, and he just can't handle it. I have no idea WHY he's screaming, really...he just doesn't want to be HERE. Now I'M the one trying to calm him down enough so I can get the hell out of here. I'M the one trying to ignore the stares and looks of utter disgust.
We try to avoid taking Sammy indoors pretty much anywhere except for school and the doctor's office. It's too much of a question mark. He could be good as gold; he could behave like a demon-possessed child. It's really about 50/50. Those odds don't encourage us to take him out too much. But every once in a while, it can't be avoided. Since he is also a "runner" (a child who will take off full speed anywhere at any given moment), I usually tie him to me when we go out. For those of you without a special needs child, this may seem extreme, even cruel. I remember, during those good old trips to the store, being utterly appalled when I would see a parent with a kid basically leashed. Your kid isn't a dog, lady! But after having had Sammy dart out into traffic full speed onto a busy highway (yes, that actually happened), I don't care anymore about those looks. I know he HAS to be tied to me for his own safety.
I've decided to pick up blogging again to share my own experiences with autism. I'm in no position to explain the clinical aspects of autism. I'm sure the many autism awareness websites can do a much better job of that. Instead, I've decided to write about how autism FEELS when it affects your life in a very personal way - from when you suspect that something is "off" with your child, through diagnosis, then the events that follow. Some days I feel like this WILL get better - I will MAKE it get better; other days I feel like driving off a cliff. I hope to chronicle all of this, if for no reason other than to come to terms with all of this for myself. I welcome you to come along on the journey with me. I will caution you now...you'll probably want to grab your tissues more often than not, but that's the nature of this disorder. Lots of tears with the occasional ray of sunshine, but that's my reality. And maybe, if you choose to follow these next several posts, you'll gain a little more insight as to who I am and, much more importantly, how autism affects not only the person who has this disorder, but also everyone who loves that person.
Maybe next time you see that screaming child on the grocery store floor, you'll look at that mom with a little more compassion. Maybe you'll even offer her a few words of encouragement. That little gesture from a stranger has saved me from myself more than once.
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