When feelings trump logic

I got some news today that affected me in a big way, but the weird thing is, while I'm sure my reaction isn't altogether uncommon, I find that I'm mostly unpleasantly surprised at myself. Logic and feelings just aren't aligning, and for today, feelings are just playing the trump card. Here's what happened...

As all of you who read this blog already know, my older son, Sammy, was diagnosed long ago with autism. Every day, I watch him struggle to communicate his most basic needs since he is essentially non-verbal. So it hit me like a ton of bricks today that my younger son, Zak, is also on the spectrum, diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. The few people to whom I've spoken about this tell me that 1) it's not so bad, as Zak is able to do so many things that are actually well above his chronological age and 2) he's exactly the same person he was yesterday, but now we have the right label to give it so we can go about getting him the assistance that will help him to live a full life. Now this all seems logical. It really does. But that's not how I feel today.

I FEEL heartbroken...like the absolute most difficult challenge that I have ever had to face with Sammy is on the cusp of repeating itself. I know that the nature of the challenges will be different, but they will still be almost tangible. The biggest difference is that I can't SHOW how I feel this time in my own home. Zak is too aware, so I must stifle the tears.

I FEEL guilty...it was my DNA that likely brought the autism spectrum to the table. My choice to have a second child, even knowing the odds, makes me feel like the absolute most selfish person in the world. Imagine loving someone so much that you would literally do anything to prevent them from feeling pain, then to know that YOU, however unintentionally, were actually the CAUSE of their lifelong struggle...how do you live with this knowledge? And now I've done it twice.

I FEEL angry...I find myself outraged that this has happened again. Mad at myself, to be sure, but mad at the universe, mostly. If there is anyone looking out for us, then I'm going to have some things to say when I die, and it will be along the lines of "Do you enjoy inflicting crushing agony on people?" Good thing, then, that this pretty much seals the deal of any belief that I once had that an omnipotent being cares for us. I wouldn't expose my worst enemies to this kind of pain, so I find it impossible to reconcile this situation with a world in which there is a God who actively cares about us. (BTW, I know people will want to tell me that God has a plan and this plays into it...don't waste your breath...I'm allowed to be pissed about this.)

But what really gets me is that how I should feel, based on the logic that has been my guiding light for as long as I remember, is so incongruent with how I DO feel. I SHOULD simply accept the logic that my close friends and family have so sanely imparted upon me today, but that's so far off from how I feel, I can barely recognize that they are right. I hope that tomorrow I will go back to being guided by logic, but for today, I will, for the second time in my life, grieve something that no parent should have to even once, let alone twice.